


Lonely girl, lonely world

by Cluelessly_weird



Category: Mahou Shoujo Madoka Magika | Puella Magi Madoka Magica
Genre: Attempt at angst, Dreams and Nightmares, Existential Angst, Gen, Loss, Post-Series Pre-Movie, Probably a bit over the top
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-17
Updated: 2019-06-17
Packaged: 2020-05-13 15:00:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 874
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19253536
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Cluelessly_weird/pseuds/Cluelessly_weird
Summary: Memories are only as permanent as we can keep them. Any human forgets things throughout their entire lives. Often these are small, trivial things. However, sometimes we forget the most important things in the world.Once, a girl named Madoka made a wish that changed the world. Homura was left behind, and Madoka had disappeared, erased from reality because of her wish. Homura, unsure if her memories are real has started to doubt Madoka's existence. No longer able to tell if the girl from her nightmares was reality, or fantasy...





	Lonely girl, lonely world

She’s crazy. She has to be.

Every night Homura dreams of a girl who doesn't exist. Every day she is haunted by memories of days that never happened. Every time she tries to talk to someone about how she feels she can't bring out a single word because she fears she will be called insane.

Madoka doesn’t exist. The amazing pink-haired girl from her dreams isn't real. She can’t exist. No one knows who Madoka is. Her memories have to be false.

If they were all true, then what? She would only be more alone then. One can only truly miss what is actually real. The simple fact is that Homura is alone, like she has always been. Madoka was nothing but a child's fantasy of what a true friend would be like.

She was pathetic. She needed to hallucinate to have something to hope for. Lonely weird girl that she was. It's no wonder she had never met someone like Madoka. Who would want anything to do with someone as weird as her?

And yet, somewhere deep down Homura can't help but feel a deep, yearning connection to the girl she can only see in her nightmares. A connection that could never be false. It feels far too real. The loss she feels when she wakes up is far too real. But the name Madoka has no face in this world, no matter how much Homura wants there to be. 

She used to hold on to the little coincidences before, when her delusions still formed her reality. Meeting and recognizing the mother of someone she had never even met was an unreal experience to say the least. But they were all just that, unreal. They couldn’t be anything but fake.

Her mind had simply made up a world of painful fantasy, filling in the gaps with people she had passed in the street. Or maybe she was wrongly remembering things? Her fantasies could have been completely different before she met Junko Kaname, and her mind could have erased the previous version and replaces it with a new one, this time with a different face attached to the role of Madoka’s mother. How would she know if that was the case? The past would have been erased from her mind, by her mind. Much like how she dreamed she had erased a hundred pasts in the hell that was her nightmares. How could she tell what was even real when her own mind could make itself believe anything it wanted?

Why would it even choose to torment her with these horrible nightmares?

Maybe she was dreaming to have something to hope for in the end. Maybe her mind was trying to prevent her from giving in to an everlasting sleep before her time came. A promise to someone truly special. To honour Madoka's sacrifice with every breath she took, just so Homura would have a reason to keep on fighting for another day.

Her promise to keep going, to honour Madoka's sacrifice and protect the world in her name was the only thing she had in life. A pitiful false dream was the only thing that gave her even a semblance of purpose. 

Yes. If at the end of her life she would be with someone who really loved her she would be able to find peace in death, in turn allowing her to keep going in this painful, lonely life. Much like how a person of faith tries to live a long life so they may enter heaven one day. 

Until that day comes she must endure nightmares of laughing witches in the sky, visions of a city drowning in misery, and the sacrifice her only true friend made to save them all. 

 

 

There are times, on rare days, when she gives in to her fantasies. Those days she really does believe that there is someone named Madoka out there. Someone who loves her, someone who likes her despite her failures.

It hurts to remember whose memory she couldn't keep true in her heart. Every time Homura remembers Madoka she is overwhelmed with guilt. Guilt over forgetting her. Guilt over not saving her. Guilt over not being able honour the sacrifice Madoka made as much as she deserved, because Homura dared doubt that she was real.

Some days she hears faint whispers from deep within her soul, in a voice not her own. _"I'm sorry you're all alone Homura. I miss you too, I really do. It will be okay, I believe it in my heart. You will see me again. And I am here for you..."_

_"Thank you, for always being there for me."_

But Homura failed, so now she must move on. She must protect the world that Madoka held so dear. Madoka wanted to help others, and now she was helping the world. Madoka has found her purpose, Homura had lost hers. Madoka was gone, no longer there to make this cruel world just a bit happier.

Maybe she was never even real...

 

 

And then she wakes up, and the only happy dream she ever had begins to fade from her mind. She is still all alone, with no one there who understands her. 

She’s crazy. She has to be…

**Author's Note:**

> Homura just can't not suffer, can she? This was challenging to write, especially since this was not exactly an easy idea to convey for me. I definitely enjoyed writing it though. 
> 
> Since this is the first fic I wrote about a more existential kind of suffering I am somewhat worried I put in a bit too much emotional angst...
> 
> I hope you enjoyed anyway ;)
> 
> (If you have any feedback, positive or negative, I'm always happy to receive it.)


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